11/14/26

Years ago, I can remember my mother and other ladies discussing the latest Newspaper column by Emily Post on Etiquette and Good Manners. But I must confess, I have not heard the word etiquette used in conversations for a long time. My understanding has always been that etiquette means the set of customary rules, codes, and behaviors that govern polite and acceptable conduct in social, professional, or official settings. The word etiquette comes from the French word étiquette, which originally meant “make a little note,” or put a “label on it.” I certainly learned what etiquette was growing up, because my Mother would remind us children, “Don’t eat with your elbows on the table.”

So now, I decided to see what psychologists say about using proper etiquette. I found that psychologists view proper etiquette not as rigid or elitist rule-following, but as a practical tool for emotional intelligence, social safety, and clear communication. They say that good manners show an awareness of other people’s feelings. Actions like yielding precedence or letting someone finish speaking reflect empathy and perspective-taking. They stress that courteous behavior activates the brain’s reward systems and triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that builds trust, lowers social stress, and encourages prosocial (kind and helpful) behavior. Conversely, rudeness signals social exclusion and activates the brain’s physical pain centers. They also note that predictable rules and social niceties act as a psychological “framework” or “rock to cling to” during uncertain or stressful situations. Knowing how to behave boosts self-confidence and lowers social anxiety. Also, psychological research warns that excessive politeness can sometimes be dangerous. In emergencies or high-stakes environments (such as a nurse trying not to offend a doctor or an air traffic controller avoiding bluntness with a pilot), people often use vague language to spare feelings, which can obscure critical safety information.

But I still wasn’t satisfied until I found out what the Bible had to say about etiquette. I found that the Bible does not contain a specific rulebook for social etiquette, but it frames good manners and polite behavior as an outflow of humility, love, and respect for others. Leviticus 19:32 commands respect for the elderly: “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God”. Romans 13:7 similarly instructs giving honor and respect to those in authority. Jesus summarized proper treatment of others by stating, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).

We see where the Apostle Paul emphasized being flexible to local customs to avoid causing unnecessary offense, writing that he became “all things to all people” so that he might win some to the faith (1 Corinthians 9:22). Also, Paul defines true love in 1 Corinthians 13:5, noting that love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered”. Paul also advised the early church that “all things should be done decently and in order” (1 Corinthians 14:40), applying structure and respect to communal gatherings. Paul also instructed believers to do nothing out of selfish ambition, telling them to “in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Then Paul urges to avoid harsh, corrupt, or unwholesome words. Colossians 4:6 advises, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person”. And then in 1 Peter 3:8–9 he calls Christians to have unity, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind, not returning evil for evil.