05/16/26

I recently heard a pastor preach about restoring our Christian morals and ethics to influence others around us to do the same. He mentioned a song that was sung many years ago (of which I also remember singing in church when I was a youngster), and the lyrics went like this: “O Lord, send a revival! Lord, send a revival! O Lord, send a revival, and let it begin in me!” (Written by James M. Gray in 1913). As I was singing along, I was reminded of King David’s prayer for an inner revival in Psalm 51:11-12: “Don’t push me away or take your Holy Spirit from me. Your help made me so happy, give me that joy again.” and in Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” I began to wonder, “How does this apply to us psychologically?”

I found out that psychologists generally view the idea of changing others by first changing yourself as a highly effective, albeit complex, strategy for improving relationships. While you cannot force another person to change, your personal transformation can act as a catalyst that shifts the entire dynamic of a relationship. Psychologists view relationships as “ecosystems”. When one person changes their behavior or attitude, it forces the other person to adjust their own reactions to maintain balance. By “rewriting the script” for yourself, you often subtly nudge others to do the same. This means a person leads by example. Modeling the specific behaviors you want to see—such as active listening, emotional regulation, or accountability—is more powerful than “barking orders”. When others observe your commitment to growth, they are often inspired to reflect on their own behavior.

After all, humans have a natural tendency to unconsciously mimic the expressions and gestures of those around them. By projecting a more positive or calm energy, you increase the likelihood that others will mirror that same energy back to you. Psychologists also argue that being “corresponding”—meaning your outward actions match your internal feelings—creates a healthier environment for others to grow. When you stop “fixing” others and focus on your own authenticity, it removes barriers to natural growth in the relationship. 

But what does the Bible say about this? The Bible emphasizes personal transformation through God’s power—renewing the mind and heart—rather than directly attempting to control or change others. Instead of forcing change, believers are called to humility, loving their neighbors, and personal growth, which can indirectly influence others through a godly example. In fact, Jesus instructs against hypocritically fixing others while ignoring one’s own flaws (Matthew 7:3–5), emphasizing self-examination before addressing another’s behavior.

Also in Romans 12:2, the Apostle Paul advises not to conform to the world, but to be transformed by renewing the mind. This internal change, managed by God, is prioritized over manipulating others. And in Romans 14:1-12. Paul encourages believers to grow in love, patience, and kindness (Galatians 5:22-23), which naturally positively impacts relationships. Then, Paul suggests accepting others in the family of God, recognizing that you cannot change them and should not judge their weaknesses. So, rather than aiming to change people through superiority, Christians are told to act in humility, counting others more significant than themselves (Philippians 2:3–4). In short, the Bible suggests that the best way to impact others is to focus on one’s holiness and let God work in both hearts.